Well thats not right..

This afternoon, while rocking Landon in his room before his nap, my eyes wandered around the room, and landed on the little Willow Tree statues resting on the top shelf of his hutch. Two tiny babies sitting side by side, bought by us to commemorate our twins after Everett passed, to remind us when we need it that we really did have twins. These little guys kill me. They're so cute, and perfectly carved and look just like Landon does and Everett would have. They're dark haired (though faceless as all Willow Tree figurines are) and are shaped like little one year olds, they're both wearing little cream sleepers, they're precious, but looking at them hurts. They're reminders of what we had and what we lost, and they provide little glimpses of what it might look like if both our boys were here with us, sitting together and playing, the way we wish it could be.

So, this afternoon while getting Landon ready for his nap, I studied these little figurines, and I'm not sure why I decided to do it, but after I laid Landon down, I grabbed them off the shelf and took them with me to the living room. I propped them up on the coffee table on a sheet of white paper and decided to take a few pictures of these little babies, since they're so cute after all, and I'm compelled by them.

As I snapped away however, I started to feel sad and strange, taking pictures of these little twin figurines started to feel a little weird, because I started to think, "this is what it would be like to take the boys pictures together", "this is what I would do if they were both here", "Ah, so this is what a picture of both my boys would look like". It started to feel sad, and morbid, and they made me hurt even more. I did however edit the pictures like I normally would, and got a few really nice ones, I think if you didn't know our story, or the context I'd be viewing them in, most people would think they're just sweet pictures.

However, if you know me, or you've heard our story, I'm sure you'll look at these pictures and understand exactly why they're painful, if you've lost a baby, or one of your twins, you'll understand exactly why it feels morbid to have taken these pictures at all. You can imagine my thought process as I posed these little babies together and took their pictures...

How it was, when I was pregnant and just after the boys were born, they were together and happy.....


How it should be (same as above, together and happy), just exactly what I wish I could see......


And sadly, how it is, one baby home with us, and one a vivid memory, a strong emotional presence, but not accessible, tangible, or touchable...........


Gaah! These little guys kill me! These simple little unassuming figurines are devastating little reminders of the saddest chapter of our lives, of the biggest hurdle we ever had to overcome, and of the biggest scar we bear and try to hide from the rest of the world. They remind me that I don't see the world the same as everyone else, those who haven't lost a baby or experienced something similar. I see reminders, not babies in twin strollers that roll past us in the mall. I see loss, not an ultrasound picture when someone announces they are expecting twins. I see ECMO and IV's and nurses when someone updates that the Dr. has ruled their baby's heard murmur completely benign. I see worst case scenarios when others are getting miracles.

My outlook on life and the world we live in so differently now that my life as been tainted by loss. Even when I think I'm coping pretty well and life is feeling pretty normal again, I go and take pictures of twin baby figurines and remind myself that I'm just not the same, and maybe just not right.

Katie