Tonight I promised myself I'd be productive, and I'd work on some gala stuff after the kids went to bed. Some of you know, and some of you may not know, that we're hosting a fund raising gala for the Hospital for Sick Children (Sick Kids) in June, in memory of Everett. We've been planning it for a year now, and in these final weeks leading up to it, the work is piling up.
So, tonight I pledged to start working on the slide show, compiling facts and pictures to use as the introduction to our event. I went to the Sick Kids website and started browsing, and noticed that they had pictures of their many lovely murals to view. I clicked, because I figured they'd make a great addition to our slide show, they're cheery, animated and really, really cute, they're part of what makes the hospital so warm and friendly to little kids.
As soon as clicked and enlarged the first mural image, I felt my heart rate quicken.
Then my breaths became deeper and faster.
And after seeing this one, this very, very familiar image, my eyes welled up with tears....
Definite anxiety attack approaching, I closed the website down and immediately headed to my refrigerator, and did what I always do when my emotions get high, I ate.We walked past this mural over and over when visiting Everett in the CCCU (Cardiac Critical Care Unit), we waited in hallways while Dr's did rounds and stared at these murals, but I never realized how much they became a part of our experience until I saw them again. Seeing them triggered so many memories and emotions, it really surprised me, and saddened me.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to walk into Sick Kids again and not crumble to pieces. Will I ever be able to volunteer there, or work there, or visit some one there without having a massive anxiety attack? I react to the NICU at our hospital too. Walking through the doors of the pediatric floor, or the nursery makes my heart beat faster and my eyes water. I get jumpier by the minute while I'm there, even when I try not to think about it, memories find their way into the foreground of my thoughts. What happens when we have another baby? The obstetric floor is likely to have the same effect, I'm bound to replay Everett and Landon's delivery over in my mind when I'm surrounded by similar surroundings and equipment. And will I ever be able to work there? I really would love to be an obstetric nurse, but can I overcome this post traumatic stress and do it? I have no idea.
A simple mural has side tracked my entire plans for this evening. I no longer feel motivated to work on my gala, I don't want to think about Sick Kids tonight, I don't want to feel or remember, or cry tonight. Elvis is working, and I'm already alone with my thoughts, so maybe its best I don't go down that road, voluntarily that is.
This gala is supposed to be a good thing, honoring Everett and doing something big and fabulous in his name, helping other sick children and their families. I'm proud to be doing it, and excited to see the fruits of all this hard work, but if I am being honest, and thats the whole point of this blog, I can't wait until its over. It hurts more then I expected it would, the process has been really painful and exhausting and I am not sure I've got it in me to do it again, though its a noble thought.
In future years I am sure we'll continue to fund raise in Everett's name, for Sick Kids and for other charities that touch our hearts, but maybe not on this scale. Once is enough, we'll kick off Everett's legacy with a bang, and from then on I think I'll be more mindful to be gentle with my heart and my memories and remember that commemoration means re-living, and re-living means re-grieving, which hurts.
Maybe tonight, rather then work on something that's irritating already tender and frazzled (my emotions namely), I'll instead work on being gentle with my heart, and not trying so hard to make the world know my baby, and learn about why I'm so bereft. I need to focus more on my own experiences with Everett and less on making the world miss him too. Maybe memorializing and honoring isn't as healing as I thought it would be, but Ive made commitments now that we intend to follow through on, but I can see me now walking up to that stage on gala night....
Heart beating fast....
Breathing too deep and too quick....
Sweating....
Eyes filling up with tears.....
Telling the room full of friends, family and strangers all the reasons why they should help us support Sick Kids and telling them all about Everett and touching their hearts and maybe making them shed a tear to two...
then walking straight to the door, to the hallway or bathroom and completely losing it.
Sure we're doing something great, and we're happy to do it, but I'm already anticipating how much its going to hurt.
Its going to hurt a lot.
Katie
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