Monday, May 18, 2009

Just look at those eyes! A continuation of "Going it alone?", and a litte bit of a rant.

For those who don't know, this is my son Everett, he was a beautiful, perfect baby boy, but life is unfair and he died. But just look at those eyes. Wasn't he stunning, and aware! He was so aware and always staring thoughtfully at our faces, its one of the things about his character that really showed itself strongly, given he only had 20 days to tell us who he was and let us learn all about him.

And for those of you who do know, but maybe need reminding. This is my son Everett, he was perfect and beautiful, but life is unfair and he died. But, he's still my son. I still have three children and he's still beautiful. Look at those eyes! Who could look at those dark brown eyes and not have a picture of him imprinted in your memory, and on your heart forever?

Grief can manifest itself in many different ways, and can be different from day to day. Sometimes grief shows itself in me through anger, or through distancing myself, sometimes the only way I can deal with the pain of losing Everett is to retreat to my thoughts and draw myself away from everyone else, because sometimes I just can't make sense of how the rest of the world carry on without him, when its all I can do to some days to just get out of bed. If you've ever looked at me and thought that you don't understand why I'm behaving so cooly, so badly, so sternly, so stoically, I don't blame you, sometimes I don't understand myself either. Conversely, I don't understand why you (you in the general sense) sometimes act so nonchalant, so normal, so unaffected, so "okay", I don't understand why the death of this gorgeous, perfect, amazing little baby didn't shatter your heart like it did mine, I don't know how you're still breathing when each day there are times I can barely catch my breath from thinking of him. I don't understand how he doesn't cross your mind a million times a day, I don't know why that song on the radio that breaks my heart and makes me cry doesn't make you stop and think of him and cause a tear or two.

If you don't "get it", thats fine, maybe its something you have to experience first hand to really get. But, if you don't get it then don't pretend you get it, and let me guide you on how to make sense of this. See it through my eyes rather then make assumptions on how to deal with something we've already acknowledged you don't "get". And lastly, don't let your confusion or my grief make you angry or frustrated, on the bright side, you're only dealing with the crazy lady who lost her baby, at least you aren't the crazy lady who lost her baby, let that be of some consolation to you and help you deal with me with some sensitivity and understanding.


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