Wednesday, May 23, 2012

In uncharted territory...

Anyone who knows me, especially in the last five years, knows I'm not a stranger to trials, or pain.  So, it's not that I'm unfamiliar with hardship, so its not that I find myself up to my eyeballs in difficult emotions and struggles that has me feeling so unsettled, its that I don't seem to know how to get back on track.

I'm lost.

I'm well and truly lost this time.

My son died, and I found my way back on track.

My marriage hit a snag, I got my groove back.

Two miscarriages, I stumbled, I got back up.

But now, my marriage is over.  And suddenly its like I can't see.

And its not that I don't know what to do without him.  It's not that I don't want to break up, it's not that I want to work things out.  We're well beyond that and I know that this is the best thing for us all.  But I've been with him for 10 years, and so much of my life has been lived along side someone else.

I never lived alone.  I was never an adult and on my own really.  I met Elvis when I was 21 years old and threw myself into him.  I went from my parents house to our house, and never looked back.  I put all my eggs in one basket I guess you could say.

I don't regret one single day in the past 10 years.   They were priceless.  And we have four fantastic children who make every single heartache completely worthwhile.

So why am I so disabled by this change?  Why can't I get my bearings again.  Why do I feel so absolutely insane, indecicive, manic, panicked, lonely, fearful, and confused? 

I can't get back up, I can't choose a direction, I can't move on...

Because I don't know myself.

I don't know who I am.

My home isn't MY home.

My vehicle isn't MY vehicle.

My life is a tangled mess of what was "Ours".

"We" are everywhere. 

I'm a Mrs. on paper, but not in reality.

I belong to the Peca family in name, but not really.

Who AM I?! 

I think I used to be an artist, but not anymore.

I think I'd like to be a photographer, but I'm not sure.

Maybe an author, but I can't write a cohesive sentance let alone the novel I dream of.

Am I soft and demure like I sometimes feel, or am I edgy and strong like my increasing amount of tattoos would suggest.

Do I want long flowing curls or do I want to chop all my hair off again.

Do I want another relationship or am I better off alone.

Afterall, I don't know me, heck, I don't think I even really like me, how can I expect anyone else to?

My marriage is over.  And I've been rendered absolutley senseless.

Its like I'm on the ground starting up at the sky with the wind knocked out of me, and every time I go to get up I flinch at the pain, the fear of the unknown, at the daunting task of simply getting up and finding out what life holds for me now, without a marriage to define me and a partner to accompany me.  Its overwhelming.  So I've just stayed down.

Thing is, I want to get back up, the fear is diminshing and curiosity is creeping in.  What does life hold?  What's it look like now, after the tornado of change has whipped through, what's the landscape look like for me now?

I just don't know how to embrace MY new life, when I don't know how to just be me, because I don't know me.

I guess I need to start making my home MINE. 

And learning more about what I like, what I want, what I need.

And go from there.