Monday, May 18, 2009

Just can't seem to move on today...

My thoughts are stuck on Everett today, thats okay, it happens. Thankfully both Avery and Landon are both cooperating today and taking a nap at the same time, allowing me some badly needed time to think and feel and sort through all the different things going on in my head.

This picture was taken on December 7th 2007, the day Everett died. This is the kind of vision that holds my thoughts captive, I've seen so many things, heart wrenching things, they're impossible to forget. This is one of them. They aren't pretty, some of them are darn right upsetting, but they're real, they happened, they are our experiences with Everett and it serves no purpose to gloss over the bad, or touch up these images to make them "easier" to look at. It shouldn't have to be easy, looking at these pictures, or recalling these memories hurts, its supposed to hurt, thats how we make sure we give Everett and his memories and his legacy the reverence that is deserved. Glossing over the "ugly" would be insulting to him, and would diminish the significance of what he endured and what we endured with him.

For those who don't know, here's a re-cap of what Everett's 20 days included:
Intubation (more then once)
Umbilical lines
A PICC line (And a failed attempt)
Dozens of medications
CAPD (peritoneal dialysis)
Two open heart surgeries
A cardiac catheterization
Numerous head ultrasounds
Blood work
EMCO (a form of life support)
Blood transfusion after blood trasnfusion
9 days with an open sternum
and more........

His entire life was a battle to live, and we spent all but six days of our time with him (the first six days were blissful oblivion) praying and begging for some miracle to keep him living and with us. You just can't make an experience like this "easier" to take in, or "prettier" to look at. It is the definition of pain, loss, sadness, grief, ache, and despair. We've learned to see the baby beyond the tubes and wires and mess, when we look at pictures like this we see Everett and our time with him. We don't see "ugly" or "sad", we see our experience, and a very important, life altering experience. Sometimes we want to share these pictures with others, we want to show them how it really was, for those who weren't there on the front lines with them, for those who don't "get it", we want to show them the REAL experience of loving and losing Everett. It would be my hope, that after seeing the painfully honest, real and ugly side of what we experienced, a lot more people would understand why we're so damaged today. Maybe seeing the tubes and the wires and the pain would help some people to realize why we're still reeling, still recovering and still hurting over what we went through. We've got battle scars! We fought and lost and we're forever wounded, and will never fully heal.

The above picture is the last time I held my baby's hand while he was alive. Shortly after I took it he looked me in the eye, I wish I had a picture of that. For 14 days we battled for Everett, prayed and stood vigilant at his side, trying to will him to pull through as if he had any say in the matter. Is it any wonder that we are still so badly broken, or why we want to keep his memory alive and well? Memories are all that we have left. Thank God there are so many, and some good ones too, and dozens of beautiful pictures to boot. Without these Everett would be truly lost, gone the day his body gave out. With these we're able to take him with us, bringing his memory and our love for him forward into each new day. We won't ever forget, and we aren't going to let anyone else forget either!


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