Friday, June 5, 2009

There will never be enough..

I take pictures, a lot of pictures, its what I do. I take dozens and dozens of pictures of my kids a week, I've coined the nick name the "Mama-razzi", I document everything they do. I enjoy taking pictures of other peoples kids too, capturing moments of their childhood and personality forever, its what I do.

It makes me really sad to think that I won't ever take another picture of Everett. There'll never be anything new for me to share or show off. I'll never say, "And here are some new Everett pictures" to anyone. Its weird, because I'll continue to love Everett and be his Mama, and I'll continue to think of him a million times a day and count him among my children, but unlike all my other children, current and future, I'll never have him in front of my camera again, the pictures I have of him are all I'll ever have. That stings.

I have some great pictures, 20 days worth of Everett, some really sweet ones, to really sad ones, but they're him, and they capture his life and his story accurately. But I want more. I wish I had have known to take more. Had I known then what I know now, I would have set him up for some nice "photo shoots", and the staff would have let me I am sure, because they all knew what we were up against, even when we didn't. I would have done some nice black and whites, some slightly posed stuff, and maybe even requested a NILMDTS photographer to come in too, and give us some really great pictures, since I didn't have the camera then that I do now.

But, even if I had more from back then, I think I would still hunger for "new", for more of Everett, I think I will always want more. To think I am always going to have this longing for him is a little foreboding, I'll never be satisfied with the amount of time I had with Everett, or with the amount of pictures and mementos I have of him. There could never be enough.

And all the "things" and pictures put together, no matter how you arrange them, will ever equal the baby I lost. I won't ever be able to pile up pictures and hats and hospital bands and make Everett, no matter how much I wish I could.

If I were to actually lay out for you all the things we have to commemorate Everett, there are actually a lot, you would be amazed. We have dozens and dozens of cards, his hospital bracelets, his teddy bear, his Baabsy (toy lamb that matches Landon's), his hats he wore, his socks he wore, his first Christmas gifts we bought before the boys were born, the casts of his feet and of our hands, the folder from Sick Kids with explanations of his condition, his star certificate, his birth registration, his death certificate, his baby book (partially filled out), his baptismal certificate, gifts from friends, including a bracelet, a plaque, a cute little canvas with a picture of us holding hands, and so many pictures. I have a lot of stuff to pour over when the need hits, but, it won't ever be enough, ever. When the mood hits, to bury myself in Everett, I don't want to read cards, or hold stuffed toys, or read incomplete baby books, I want to wrap my arms around him, I want to bury my nose in his neck and stoke his hair, I want to look into his big brown eyes and hold his hand, and touch his toes. I want to change diapers and dress him like his brother, I want to load my double stroller up with my TWIN boys and take a walk with Avery walking along side, like it was supposed to be. When a big wave of grief hits and I am looking for something to keep me afloat, these memento's are like rocks, I grab on to them out of instinct, or desperation, but they don't help, they just drag me under. They pull me deeper into the sadness because they only remind me that there's no hope of ever getting Everett back. They remind me that all that is left of him are gifts that will never be played with, empty hats and socks, baby books that will never be finished, and a finite amount of pictures to which I'll never add to. When mourning comes, as it often does, these "things" are not enough, they can't pull me out of it, they can't ease the pain, in fact, they intensify it.

There will never be enough Everett....

There will never be enough "things".........

There will never be enough pictures......

There will never be enough words......

Thankfully, there's enough comfort in my family, friends, and God, to bring me back to the surface once the storm of grief passes.


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