Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Good news!

I stayed up way too late last night, got up way too early this morning, have a crazy headache and am too tired to think, so tonight should be a better night then last!

Sometimes when I look back at previous posts, I'm surprised by the intensity, and even the desperation of my emotions coming through in them. At the time those emotions are so strong and relevant, they consume me, but its odd how just 12, or 24 hours later, those feelings seem so faded and distant. This is good though, it helps me to continue to move forward, when I hit an emotional speed bump, I hit it hard, process it, work it through, and move on to smoother roads. I'm relieved to know I can hit such horrible depths and still bounce back the next day and carry on like a normal human being.

Writing is therapeutic, it really helps me sort through the jumble of emotions I go through.

Music helps too, I've found so many songs and artists that I connect to that really help me make sense of my feelings.

I've got amazing friends who are always willing to pick me up when I'm hitting emotional rock bottom. Through virtual hugs, e-mails, private messages, phone calls and little surprise gifts in the mail, I've gotten a lot of support from some amazing people, I'm grateful God placed them in my life.

I've also got some great family, some who really get it, who understand completely and who I don't have to pretend in front of. Some who witnessed Everett's story unfold first hand, who hurt right along side me and who really feel our pain, I think I am most grateful to them, because I know there are a few people aside from Elvis and myself who experienced the process of watching Everett deteriorate, they know exactly why we're so damaged now, and they completely get why we still hurt with the intensity we do. I'm sorry they had to feel even a fraction of the ache we do, but I'm relieved to know that there are people out there who don't need anything explained, they already know.

I don't talk about it too much, but I've got God to help me through, and I didn't always, but I'm thankful that I finally gave up being angry and blaming God, and turned to Him for the comfort he was always willing to give. There's a part of me that holds back a bit in expressing how grateful I am to God, because I think maybe people won't get it, or they'll think I'm crazy, or deluded in being thankful, or faithful after what we went through. Its hard to explain. Before having the boys, or losing Everett, I always half heartedly believed in God. In that sense that most people who aren't atheists do. I believed in Heaven, and prayed when times were hard, but that about sums up my spiritual life. When Everett was sick, really sick, and reality was setting in, I prayed harder then I ever have before, and my prayers went unanswered. I was so angry and lost that I decided that if there was a God, he was either powerless to help, to decided not to, and either way, I didn't need a God like that in my life. I turned away.

But, whether or not I believed in God, my life's circumstances were exactly the same. I was still grieving, my son was still gone, and I was in dire need of comfort. I found myself starting a prayer and then stopping myself, as though I was remembering I was still giving God the cold shoulder. I knew I needed comfort that only God could provide, I could feel it, but I was denying it, and I continued to feel isolated and alone and hurt. One night I decided to stop. I decided to stop blaming God and to stop being angry with him and to "talk" to him again, grudgingly at first, but I was making the first step. I prayed for comfort that night. I prayed for my thoughts to be quieted, for the hurt in my heart to ease, and to have a good nights sleep, for the first time in months. And I did. I was comforted. From that night on, it was like a switch had been flipped, and I experienced what it truly felt like to believe, I know now that I never really did before.

The next logical step to us was to find a church, and we found an amazing one, and our education in God, and his promises, and what it means to be Christian really began. Its been enlightening, and easier then I ever imagined. Its brought a lot of hope to our lives, and really eliminated a lot of fears and doubts and sadness. Now that we have church and God and his comfort in our lives, I wonder why we ever thought this sort of thing was so difficult before, I wonder why we never found this out sooner. I feel guilty that I don't share this more often, with more people, its really a great thing, and God and his grace have been a huge source of healing to us.

God, friends, family, self expression and the love of my children are all forces in my life keeping me afloat and moving forward. Its easy to trip and stumble in my grief, and easier still to want to wallow in it and get lost in it, but thankfully I have so many reasons to pick up and carry on when the wallowing is done.


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