Monday, June 15, 2009

I thought I was done, but I was wrong..........

I thought I had gotten it all out of my system, but apparently I was wrong, forgive me, here I go again...

I am so angry! I am just so mad that this is our reality and that we don't have both our babies here with us. I'm so angry that other families got their miracles and we didn't, I am angry that we had to be the worst case scenario, and that we just have to deal with it, there's nothing we can do about it!

I don't know why I torture myself, but I was just looking through a group on Facebook for parents of preemies. Why shouldn't I look? I have preemies! My boys were born at 34 weeks, so I didn't think I'd have any problems. But, you don't have to look too far to see smiling parents holding both their twin babies after a long NICU stay, "home at last", gaah! That should have been us! I am so angry that everywhere I look it seems there are families out there living my dream and rubbing it in my face. I don't begrudge them their good fortune, but what happened to mine?

I try really hard to be composed and resigned, I try to be at peace with the hand we were dealt, I try to take comfort in knowing there was a bigger plan and purpose in place, but sometimes its hard to be consoled.

There's no sense in wishing things were different, past experience has showed me that wishing is a waste of time. I can't change a darn thing, nothing, and that makes me so angry! I endured the complications and discomforts (along with the joys of course) of a twin pregnancy. I did my part, I managed to pull off a picture perfect, healthy pregnancy and carried to a reasonable time. I prepped a beautiful nursery and my life to receive our beautiful baby boys. I delivered without complication two stunning, and healthy baby boys. I had twins, and I WANT TWINS!

Gaah, this is pointless, but its better to just let it out. Admittedly, I'm having a rough night, but I've had worse and I imagine come tomorrow morning I'll feel better, like tonight never happened.

I'm grateful to have an outlet for these feelings.


No comments:

Post a Comment