Tuesday, June 9, 2009

He's the rainbow.....

This is my sweet boy Landon....

I'm told that God works all things for good in our lives, even tragedies, and I'm not sure I could believe that, if it weren't that Landon's living proof. But here he is, a beautiful boy whom we love so dearly, a gift from God that we're thankful for each and every day. He came home from the hospital a day after Everett passed. The day after the worst day of our lives, we brought home the most beautiful little miracle, he's like a rainbow after a storm.

Landon's a miracle on so many levels, but on this one I think you'll agree. He's a miracle because he has a normal, healthy, strong little heart. Everett and Landon are identical twins, they are what is known as monochorionic-diamniotic twins, two babies from one egg, sharing their outer sac, each with their own inner compartments. They're genetically identical in every way. Everett's heart defect was not genetic, for that we and Landon are blessed. It could have very easily been the case that we lost both our babies, but it was in God's plans to give us one baby to raise and love.

Not that Landon is a consolation prize, and not that one baby could ever replace another, but it certainly softened the edges of the pain. We never get used to have only one baby where we know there should be two, but I am grateful that Landon is here to hold and love and care for, in many respects he's helped to heal our broken hearts a little faster and little gentler, because our arms have never been truly "empty".

I'll never be able to claim to understand God's plans for us, and our family. I could never presume to understand why he gifted us with twins and then took one back. I'll never wrap my head (or my heart) around why Everett was allotted only 20 days in this world, I'll never comprehend why we were allowed to experience such gut wrenching pain, and I'll never understand why our hearts keep beating after the death of a baby. I don't think I'll every understand, God's unlikely to ever let me in on these secrets, its better to resign myself to a life time of wondering. Rather then agonize over all these "what ifs" and "whys" and "I don't understands", I think I'd be better served by focusing on life's roses, rather then its thorns.

I have so much, I am blessed beyond words with friends and family and church, and my three lovely children who fill my heart with more love then it would be possible to explain. The loss of Everett has intensified my love for everyone in my life, and has made me even more grateful for friendships and support that God has placed in my life. My heart has softened, and I am now more capable of sympathy and of caring for others who have experienced similar losses. I love my children harder, I value my friends and family more, and I desire to give comfort to grieving parents like myself. Surely I can see how God is working our life's biggest tragedy for good, He is helping us take dirt and grow flowers. Its comforting.

This is my wee boy Landon, in the first days and weeks after losing Everett, he was like salve to our wounds. He was medication to our broken hearts.

We're careful never to put pressure on Landon to be anything more then a blessing in himself. Whether we were given him on his own, or in a pair like he actually came, he's 100% amazing in his own right. We would be thrilled to have him, no matter what the circumstances. How could we not fall madly in love with him?

He's a sensitive personality, he's tender and easily hurt
He's funny and silly
He's the strong, silent type
He's brilliant but doesn't flaunt it (he's so humble)
He's passionate and strong willed
He's a living, breathing miracle
He's like sunshine after the rain


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