Thursday, July 30, 2009

I don't have the heart.....

I remember a long time ago, I was strong and in charge of my emotions. I had a stiff upper lip and was pretty good at not letting things getting to me, I didn't like to lose control of my self. And practically nothing could make me cry.

Now anything can.

Grief has completely transformed my heart, its weakened it, and broken down the protective walls I built around it, its rendered me completely unable to rein in my emotions, I feel out of control.

My eyes have changed too, now I can see all the loss and pain and sadness in the world, and my heart breaks a million times a day, for other women and for other families. I feel their losses deeply and personally, I can imagine their emotions vividly, I can visualize it happening to me, because it has, and time and time again I feel horrible pain and sadness for the losses of others.

I just don't have the heart I used to. I don't have the strength to hold back tears and emotions, I don't have the will to try. I feel everything deeper and stronger, from love, to pain and also fear. Becoming aware of how common the loss of a child is in he world through losing one of your own is like developing a heightened sixth sense. On top of being able to hear, see, smell, taste and touch, I am now incredibly perceptive to grief and despair caused by missing a child you'll never hold again.


No comments:

Post a Comment