Firstly, while thinking sad things, here's a particularly painful song:
Wires by Athlete:
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts
Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There's dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood on my fingertip
Running, down corridoors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
Alright
Running, down corridors through, automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
I see hope is here, in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights, reflect in your eyes
down corridors, through automatic doors
Got to get to you, got to see this through
First night of your life, curled up on your own
Looking at you now, you would never know.
Gaah! Who writes songs like that? I suppose potentially it has a happy ending, though its awfully vague. I see our story, I see Everett, I see sadness and loss and desperation in these lyrics.
I see this picture when I hear (or read):
"I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes
You'll be alright"
I wouldn't have thought back when we were battling to keep Everett with us, that I would ever be able to reconcile him being gone, with him being "alright". Those words just wouldn't have meshed back them. But now, having underwent the spiritual transformation I did, I feel confidant in saying that I know he's alright, its me who isn't. He's fine. He's not bothered in the least anymore, its me who isn't alright, and most likely never will be again.
Also, I read this Bible verse tonight, I came upon it randomly, erroneously, but I like it, its though provoking:
Ecclesiastes 1:3-11
3 What profit has a man from all his labor
In which he toils under the sun?
4 One generation passes away, and another generation comes;
But the earth abides forever.
5 The sun also rises, and the sun goes down,
And hastens to the place where it arose.
6 The wind goes toward the south,
And turns around to the north;
The wind whirls about continually,
And comes again on its circuit.
7 All the rivers run into the sea,
Yet the sea is not full;
To the place from which the rivers come,
There they return again.
8 All things are full of labor;
Man cannot express it.
The eye is not satisfied with seeing,
Nor the ear filled with hearing.
9 That which has been is what will be,
That which is done is what will be done,
And there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which it may be said,
“See, this is new”?
It has already been in ancient times before us.
11 There is no remembrance of former things,
Nor will there be any remembrance of things that are to come
By those who will come after.
Its sort of prompts the thought, "What the heck is the point" eh? In fact, the heading in my Bible titled this little section "Everything is Meaningless." Sounds absolutely uninspiring, but I think, and of course I could be very, very wrong, but I think its meant to provide some hope. All things have been done, there is nothing new under the sun, time marches on, we come and we go, and the world is unchanged by it all. Our struggles and our toils are not new, they're as old as time, so in a sense, we're not alone in our strife and our sadness. Also, I think is meant to turn our eyes onto Heaven, as to say, this world doesn't matter, time marches on, the world is constant, but troubled and we won't ever find satisfaction here, nor are we meant to. I suppose there are a million different ways someone could interpret this piece of scripture, but this is how I've broken it down, and its why it caught my eye tonight. Life here on Earth is brief, when we're long gone and our hardships are well forgotten, new people with new troubles will continue the precarious task of balancing happiness and struggle that is life.
I'm supposed to be working. I have pictures to edit, I really should be tending to them. But, I can't get my head in the game tonight, I can't make myself focus, it seems my mind has a mind of its own tonight (haha), best to sit back and let it go where its going, I can edit tomorrow.
Its not all bad, my thoughts that is. They're not all dark and sad tonight. I'm thinking happy things too, heart swelling with pride type things, like for intance, look at this:
This is Landon, AKA "The Hulk" during this past week. Doesn't he look angelic, so sweet and precious butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, HA! He's a little bear, he's got such a temper, but it makes me smile, watching him attempt to assert himself, watching him try to take control and be in charge. Its precious, and lovely, watching his personality emerg and grow, he's becoming such a little person. He wants to get things done his way, and darn it, if you're not going to cooperate, he's going to thoroughly express is discontentment, he's very persuasive!
He's still my baby though, such a little baby!
(And yes, he spends a fair amount of time sitting or laying on tables, we pick our battles with the Hulk).
Isn't life one big juxtaposition? In one blog post, in one thought, one flash of memory, you can feel excruiating sadness and heart swelling pride? I still find it interesting that I can manage to grieve and love and celebrate simultaneously, I suppose its God's way of ensuring that we can still carry on after life altering loss. Its almost like I have two separate hearts and two separate minds, operating in perfect sync, one to grieve and one to live and love and celebrate life. One for Everett and for processing the hurt and confusion and pain and mind blistering sadness, and one for the rest of life, Avery and Landon and the future. Both minds and both hearts operate completely independantly from the other, allowing me the ability to feel the bad and the good distinctly and concurrently. Weird, but I have found that so much about this life since having seen it from the bereaved perspecive looks unusual and skewed.
I have to say it again, its not all bad. I've got a lof of amazing in my life, and a lot of beautiful, and a lot of precious and a lot of heart swelling proud too. I'm walking the line, I think I've got the knack of balancing lifes pain and life's joys, its precarious and unpredictable, but I'm getting in the groove, and it helps to know its pointless to toil and fret, and to spend too much time focusing on the bad, it won't change a thing, the world has been unchanged since the start of time, its hightly unlikely I'll be the one to change it.
Anyway, I suspect that this is becoming strange and incoherant and rambling.
Good night.
Katie
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