Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A different sort of grief.....

The past few days have been the most heart breaking days since Everett died. I've cried tears only rivaled by the tears I've cried for my lost baby. Aside from the "mother grief", I've never been in so much pain.

The realization that I am partially, if not totally responsible for this pain is unsettling. I broke something a long time ago, and now I don't know if I can fix it. Looking back I can clearly see the warning signs, the stress fractures before the big break, but I wasn't paying any attention, I was too busy trying to deflect the attention elsewhere, and now I am grieved, and sorry, and embarrassed, and scared, scared that what I broke cannot be repaired.

The trickiest thing is that I am sort of powerless at this point. I can't force the break back together, I can't talk it into mending, I can't coerce it, crying doesn't help it either. I just have to wait, and pray, and cry to myself, and pray that God will bring the two pieces together again, and that this pain will be brief.

I can't go into much detail, partially because I'm trying to be private and protective of this hurt and the reasons behind it, and partially because typing out the hows and why's adds a new dimension of "real" to it, and I'm worried that will make it hurt all the more.

Katie

3 comments:

  1. Dear Katie,
    I am not sure how I came across your blog but my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain in your writting - I understand your pain more then you can know. I lost my son 2 years ago last month and it has forever changed me as well. I have to say for me I have to believe there was a bigger plan out there for me that I may not know... I have to believe that for any mother who has gone through something so horrific. I just wanted to drop a note and let you know I am so sorry for your loss. It does change you forever. Someone once told me that you learn to live with grief and happiness side by side after awhile, and that is so true. I am happy for the children I do have but it doesn't replace the child who is missing... I am sure you feel that way as well. Hugs to you, Heidi

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  2. Thank you for writing me Heidi, hugs to you for your loss as well!

    Katie

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  3. HUGE hugs Katie, I wish there was someway to help ease your pain and confusion.

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