Sunday, August 9, 2009

Weathering another storm

Nearly two years ago I learned how completely hateful and unfair life can be.

Life can be incredibly painful. We face trials, we struggle, we get knocked down and we climb back to our feet and carry on.

I don't know why I imagined that one earth shattering tragedy was all life would throw at me, I don't why I assumed I was now immune to another event that would shake me to my core. I should have known better.

My son died 20 months ago. I fell to pieces, drowned in the grief, leaned on God for comfort and got myself back on my feet, stumbling daily, but moving forward. Imagine me hobbling along life's path, crippled by grief but living and loving and trusting that things were getting better, now imagine me stepping off a curb and getting hit by a bus. Bam. I'm down again.

Here I am weathering another of life's storms. The skies are nearly black, its raining heavily and I've never heard such thunder! Had I never lost a baby and experienced this sort of storm before, I would fear this storm less. But, I've been through one of these hurricanes, this feeling is so familiar, and I am quaking in my little vessel. And, to add insult to injury, my major support system, my anchor, isn't here for me, what will I cling to now? What will get me through this storm? How will I ever recover from this? How will I get back to my feet this time?

God. Family. Friends. Hope.

I'll lean on these things.

I'll put my trust in God, that he has a plan for this, and he will work it for my good and the good of my family. I'll give this to him and wait for the flowers to grow out of this dirt.

I'll let my family love me, and focus on loving them more. I'll let them comfort me and surround myself in people I know love me UNCONDITIONALLY. I'll learn to survive on this love alone.

I'll let my friends hold me up, they always do. I'll take their advice and listen to their stories and be contented in the fact that God has placed so many amazing people in my life. I'll allow myself to be distracted and to have fun even.

I'll have hope. I'll hold on to hope. I'll watch for signs that there is still hope. And I'll pray that my hope is not false. And this brings us back to God.

This is what I'm up against. Feelings black as the water. Atmosphere's a harsh as the storming sky. Stomach heaving like the waves. Its terrifying. This is where I am.

This is where I thought I was....

I think you'll understand my confusion, my hurt, and my absolute inability to comprehend how I'll ever stand up again. But, with God, family, friends, and hope, this is where I intend to be again.


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