Sunday, August 30, 2009

On a new road.......

We like to think that we're in control of life, that we can steer it, or influence it, or sway it a certain way, but we can't. Life doesn't collaborate with us, it doesn't consult and it doesn't need approval before it happens, it just happens to us.

Sometimes we feel blessed by life and what it heaps out on us, we lay back and bask it in and praise life for being good and praise God for letting it be good. And then sometimes we feel like life is something being inflicted upon is, we bury our heads in our hands and wonder "why me?!" and we question God for letting life get so bad. Life is tricky.

My life has felt a lot like the latter these days.

Its been very hard not to question God, and wonder "why me?!". Seriously, though, "WHY ME?!" I've lost so much, when do I get a break? REALLY! A son's death, a husband falling out of love and a miscarriage, I've really had enough, how much more can life throw at me? More importantly, how much more can I endure?

The answer is uncertain, we won't know how much is too much until its too late to care, so I suppose there's no sense it giving it much more thought. We'll endure until we no longer endure, and when that happens, we won't have too many worries on our minds.

About a month ago I was on a different road, going somewhere different but just as uncertain. I was no more in control of my life then I am right now, but I was happy with life, I felt safe and loved and certain that God was with me in it. Then I had the rug torn out from under me and it sent me into a tailspin of confusion and sadness and pain not unlike the pain of losing Everett, but different because it was combined with guilt and fear and confusion I did not feel when Everett died. Suddenly I couldn't see the road, I had no idea where I was going and I was beside myself with anxiety and loneliness. Scary. I can see the road again now. Not well, not clearly, but I've got my bearings back. This new road is different, and my not contain the stops I thought I was going to have, but it looks interesting, could have some promising stops along the way, though every now and then I may need to stop and ask for directions (God is a wonderful tour guide!).

Life can be very, very good, and when it is we feel triumphant and powerful. It can also be very, very bad, and that makes us feel small and scared and anxious. When you're feeling low and frightened, its easy to lose sight of the road, confusion is like a fog that settles in your path and clouds your vision, its dangerous to let yourself feel afraid of the road you're on. Since you're not really in control in the first place, God is actually your driver, what sense is there in fearing the road you're traveling? Even when you take an unexpected detour, even when it gets dark, or stormy, you're no more (or less) in control then you were on the sunny, clear path you may have just come off of. You just have to hold on, and ride it out, and let life (and God) take you where they will.

Fear won't put me back on the road I was on, neither will anger, or despair. We can only go forward. I trust that in time, the road ahead will clear up, and I'll start to enjoy the ride again. I trust that in the meantime God will help me navigate while its dark and scary and lonely. I trust that there are good times ahead, on this new road I'm on.


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