Monday, November 9, 2009


Its easy to trust when things are going your way. Its easy to think that you'll always have it good, when you've got it good and always have, there's no reason to believe you'll ever know anything else. When your life is good, and safe and easy, trust that you'll be okay seems to come naturally, you don't know any better. When you've never had your world shaken up, or shattered, when you've never been so low you can't possibly get any lower, you don't realize such things are even possible.

But what if you're at the bottom looking up? What if your life is filled with strife and hardship? What if loss and grief appear to be the theme of your storyline lately? How do you trust then? And in what do you place your trust in?

I've got trust issues. I've been shaken and shattered and have experienced more loss in the past two years then I expected to experience in a life time, I mean untimely loss, unexpected loss, loss that hits you like a speeding train, life altering loss. It seems that just as soon as I acclimate to one loss, and get comfortable in my new life, I get slammed with another one, and I have to start the process all over. So, I've got trust issues.

But I am learning to overcome them.

I'm learning that properly placed trust isn't a gamble, but a sure bet. It pays off. Trust placed in God is a sure bet. Your life won't be different, or easier, but trusting that God has a plan and that he's working in your hardships, can fill your heart with such peace and resolve that you can march through your struggles with confidence, knowing that He is marching with you, and that you're not lost but right on track and on your way to something He planned for your good.

I'm struggling lately. Its as obvious to the rest of the world as it is to me, that my life is hard right now. A lot of people ask me why I don't give up, why don't I just wash my hands of it all and find a new path, an easier path? Some people think I'm the strongest person they know, and some think I'm the craziest. Some think I'm weak, some think I'm pathetic. Some wish they had the strength to do what I am doing, and some go to bed each night thankful they aren't like me. But I'm doing what I am doing, because at the heart of me, I know it's right. I know its what God wants, and its what I want, and I know in the end, it will be worth it. The pain and the struggle will pay off, and lead to something better. Walking away would simply lead me away, trusting in the path I am on and God who put me there will take me where I am supposed to be.

We live in an instant gratification world. A "me" world. We expect to be happy all the time, and if something doesn't make us happy, we trade up, or walk away. We think we deserve so much, we're entitled to have what we want and to be treated a certain way, and think its appropriate to go seeking something new and exciting when what we have loses its sheen and sparkle. But that isn't biblical, and I know it seems unusual to those who know me best, to hear that I want to do thinks biblical. I want to handle my life and the bumps on my road the way God wants, ways that will make Him proud of me. So I'm going to love without expecting anything in return, and give grace and mercy when they aren't "deserved" by our standards. I'm going to put the happiness of others above my own and I'm going to stick it out when many think I should cut my losses and get out. I'm going to exercise patience and trust. And I'm going to simply stay the course, and keep hope in my heart, and have the courage (by God's grace) to ride this out, to the end, until this path leads me into another.

And I think I can already see a light at the end of this long dark tunnel I've been traveling through. Light is seeping through the cracks and it already seems less hopeless.


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