Thursday, November 12, 2009

Rough days ahead.....

Its no secret that I'm going through some rough times right now, with my marriage and trying to make my new life work. Its a challenge for sure, but I am getting through it, day by day, I wake up and find that I am completely capable of adapting to change and coping with the struggles that life throws my way.

But hard days are coming up. We've got some sad anniversaries heading this way that are sure to irritate old hurts and make it harder to deal with the current ones.

On November 17th I'll celebrate Landon's birth, and remember that it was also Everett's, and it will be terribly bittersweet.

From November 17th to December 7th we'll relive all the struggles Everett faced in our heads, we'll remember where we were and what we were doing on each of these 20 days of his life and we'll cry public and private tears for him.

On December 7th we'll mourn Everett's death, and that day will run through our heads like scenes from a very sad movie. It can't be predicted ahead of time whether we'll pull together or pull apart, but it will be a hard, hard day.

On December 11th we'll remember Everett's funeral, and we'll be sad, and it will show, and we'll spend a lot of extra time thinking about him, and wishing that we didn't know at all what it was like to plan a funeral for your new born baby and bury him. I'll remember how it felt to see Elvis carry Everett's tiny white felt covered casket to his grave site, and how it hurt to watch Elvis and his brother Ernie lower it into the ground. It'll hurt just as much remembering it as it did to see it happen.

Hard days ahead for sure. I love this time of year, because winter is approaching, my kids all celebrate their birthdays and Christmas is on its way. But I hate this time of year as well. Because its all tied up with memories of Everett, who we loved and still love with incredible passion. When he died, he took pieces of all of us and we feel his absence in every moment of every day.

I wonder how I'll manage to keep it all together in these coming weeks, missing Everett and setting aside time to grieve him, privately, while actively trying to rekindle a spark in my relationship with my husband. Tough days ahead.

God grant me strength and serenity in these days ahead, and when I can't possibly cope with it all, pick up the balls that I drop so that nothing is overlooked.


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