Friday, April 16, 2010

Feeling compelled.....

...Day in and day out, to have another baby.

It's a constant nagging desire.

A whisper in my ear.

A pull in my heart.

An ache in my stomach.

Day in and day out.

What do I do with that? How do I make that desire come through loud and clear to my husband who's not really on board? How do I convey the gravity of the issue, the out of this world pull it has on me?

How to I explain that it doesn't feel optional to me at all, that it's not something I can "wait and see" about, it's an issue, a NEED that I have to address, and ideally, I'd get to address it soon.

Does it make any sense at all that I feel like I NEED to have another baby? Like it's a desire God placed on my heart, that it's something we're supposed to do, or a gift we're supposed to accept? Does it make me sound terrible if I admit that I think it will further help me heal from my losing Everett and from my miscarriage? Do I sound totally selfish and awful if I say that I think having another pregnancy and baby, and getting to me a mommy once more will feel good, in so many ways, and help smooth over all the things that have felt so bad in my life? Am I horrible?

I don't know how to answer when people say, usually in discouraging tones, "why do you want another", I don't know what an "acceptable" answer would be.

I just do.

I want to be a mommy of a baby again.

I want another child in my home.

I want Avery to share in my excitement, now that she's old enough to get in on the fun, and she wants another baby.

I want Landon to be a big brother.

I want to be pregnant again, and feel a new life grow inside me.

I want to hold a new born in my arms, and nurse them and sleep with them on my chest.

I want a baby in our lives again.

My family is not complete, and never will be, but I feel it calls for another baby, day in and day out.

Why does anyone ever want a baby? Because we want to love them. Because our hearts compel us so. Because we think they're cute. Because we can express our love and hopes for the future in our love for them. Because family is amazing. Because children are amazing.

Because I need to.

I would know if I was done. I would feel it.

And I know that I am not done.

So what now? What does this aching mama do with her growing desire to mama one more? Where do I put it? How do I handle it? I am on fire with want for another pregnancy and baby, what now?

All that can be done is prayer. Prayer for God's will do be done.

Prayer for God t hear my heart call, prayer for his guidance and intervention.

Prayer, that fear would subside and hope override, and that God's will is that our family receives a new addition, and soon!

Please.

Katie

2 comments:

  1. 若對自己誠實,日積月累,就無法對別人不忠了。........................................

    ReplyDelete
  2. 目標是什麼不重要,目標能產生什麼樣的效果才重要........................................

    ReplyDelete