Saturday, September 26, 2009

The painful cutting of ties....

I'm still wading through the aftermath of my marriage crumbling, in record speed I might add. I'm sifting through the debris, trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of what actually happened. I'm taking my time, because every now and then I stumble across a big piece of debris, a memory or an obstacle that accompanies the death of a marriage, and I need time, time to grieve it, and process it, then pack it away.

Lately, as I sort through the mess that is my life right now, I'm coming across faces, familiar faces of people I've come to know and love over the past seven years. Under each picture is a story and memories that break my heart. These are the faces of family, family I'll never see again, our ties severed in the loss my husband, those faces belong to him, and he's taking them with him when he goes. Sisters, brothers, parents, nieces, nephews, a great big family, not mine anymore. Children I've known since birth, held as babies, and called my own nieces and nephews, will not know Aunt Katie anymore. Sisters I confided in, brothers I could depend on, parents who showed me love along with their son, gone. All of them gone. I'll need a lot of time to process this. I won't ever be at another big family dinner, I'll never be apart of the lively energetic chaos that comes with a big family like this. I feel like I got kicked out of the club, disowned, left at the road side. They were my family and I loved them, and now they're gone, all of them.

I wonder if they know how I'll grieve them like I grieve the other losses in my life? I wonder if they'll think of me at all, like the sister in law, or daugher in law, or Aunt who was, and then just wasn't anymore. Will I be that ex family member "we don't speak about?", will my name be taboo? Will anyone hold on to any positive memories of me? I feel like I'm outside a big family home where a big warm celebration is taking place, and I'm out in the cold with my nose pressed against the window wondering how the heck it came to be that I am on the outside looking in! I sure felt like I was on the inside! I felt the warmth and the love and a sense of belonging, I felt like I belonged, and now I'm a stranger.

Its the weirdest thing. So many memories, places, things, are going to forever remind me of the family I lost.

I'm going to remeber road trips, a particular drive from home to Florida as a new couple with a future sister in law in tow

I'm going to remember Florida, visiting a sister and her family and feeling truly at home

I'm going to remember New York, and New York accents, and spanish rice and chicken stew

I'm going to remember going to visit parents and being served a steady stream of snacks and drinks by a woman who knew no better way to show her love

I'm going to remember candid talks on big leather couches with a sister and brother who I knew would listen and can be trusted

A sister who dropped everything to take us to the hospital when Everett got sick, and stayed long after she needed to, from love and support

A father in laws thick Italian accent, hard to decipher but icrediby endearing

A brother in law with the heart of a child, a fabulous brother in law

Another brother with a strong work ethic and wife I thought of as a friend

A sister who suffered a loss like one I suffered and a felt a strong tie to

A sister with huge heart and a radiating warmth that made her so easy and enjoyable to talk to, a sister who gave me a book and helped bring me to Christ

Chicken cooked in tomato sauce will always make me think of my mother in law

A great big wonderful family, not mine anymore.

I wish I could tell them I had no clue this was going to happen, I wish I could tell them I wish I could have changed it, I wish I could pound on the proverbial door and be let back in.

They'll never know how much I'm going to miss them and how horrible it feels to be on the outside looking in, and to have all my ties to them completely severed.

Just another loss to add to the pile


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