Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Once upon a time....

Once upon a time, I never knew what it meant to grieve.

Once upon a time I had never lost a thing that was of real value to me.

Once upon a time I was blissfully and ignorantly happy, unaware of all the loss and grief my future held.

But that was then.

Life has brought me numerous blessings, it would be ungrateful not to awknowledge how full and amazing my life truly is.  But, it would be a lie to deny that the world has also brought me blow after blow, and loss after loss, it would be a lie to say I'm not feeling grief and agony along with that joy and gratitude.

Tomorrow is the four year anniversary of Everett's last day on earth.  It marks four years since experienced a truly unanswered prayer, four years since we said goodbye and walked out of Sick Kids with empty arms and shattered hearts.

Its been a rough four years, I can't deny it.  Its been a time filled with sadness and guilt and grief and longing and pain, all mixed it with joy and love and healing and blessings of course.  It's been a rollercoaster of emotions.  And I've grieved Everett at will over these four years, whenver the need struck me, I'd cry, blog, and grieve as the pain came, so as to not hold anything in, so as to not let it fester and become more grief then I could process.  I miss him with every single beat of my heart, and I am constantly aware of his absence in my life, and I know he would be just amazing, like his brother and sisters, but that's not my reality, it's not his either.

All I can think to do now, with this grief and with this pain, and with these memories, is to share it with the world, and to do good things in honor of Everett, so his brief but very special life continues to have meaning, and he can continue to touch hearts and make an impact on others.

He was so incredibly special.  So tiny and delicate, so wonderfully made.

He was precious and loved and an absolute amazement, for such a small and unhealthy little boy, he fought so very hard for his time with us.  He fought and held on and gave us 20 days of faith building love and memories.  I wanted more, but those 20 days were an incredible gift, I know it could have been much, much less.

I can't predict what tomorrow will bring, if it will hold tears or peace for me, I expect it will be a combination of the two, but I'm hoping to be able to remember with a calmness of heart and with gratitude, because Everett changed me in ways I never knew possible.

Indeed life is hard, but its also very beautiful.  Some of the most amazing blessings in life are brief, gone before you know it, but that makes them no less miraculous, and no less life altering.  He's in my heart and on my mind always, and I think I can credit much of my strength in the healing /grieving process to him, who is my inspiration, for there was never a stronger or more inspiring boy.

Love you always Everett.  Always.  -  XO, Mama


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