Monday, August 29, 2011

I'm thinking of you....

I'm thinking of you today Everett. I do every day, but today, my thoughts refuse to leave you.

I remembered something painful, and I can't get it from my mind. I can see it in my head when I close my eyes, and it hurts as badly as it did when it first happened.

I pictured handing you over to the nurse at Sick Kids, when the time had finally come to leave, and through tears and sobbing, I uttered the words "Bye Everett", I could barely get them out. I can see myself that day, I can see the agony, and I can hear the grief in my voice, it's like I'm watching someone else. And I still just can't believe that was you and me.

I'm so sorry you had to go, and if I made your departure harder by holding on too tight, I am so sorry for that. I remember I whispered in your ear and begged you not to leave me, as if you ever had a choice. I'm sorry if understood that your leaving would hurt me so badly, I'm sorry if you had awareness that you would leave a hole behind. I hope you left with comfort, and assurance from God that he would take care of us left behind.

Oh God how I miss you, today and always. My arms still long for you, and your memory, your picture, your name, they all still bring me to tears, though that's not a bad thing, those tears bring me closer to you I think.

God knows how losing you has changed and shaped my heart and life, God knows how badly I still grieve, but you should know I'm striving to take that pain and use it to lessen the pain of others, in some small way. You should know that though I hurt, we are all the better because of you. You should know I pour myself into grieving you, just to feel such intense emotion, such intense love, it feels like we're together while the tears are streaming down. It hurts, but that's the point.

I'm thinking of you Everett, each and every moment of each and every day, and I promise I always will.

I love you so much more then I have the words to tell, and I pray I can feel you near when I need it the most.

Love your Mama, always

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