Thursday, November 11, 2010

It's that time of year again......

How bittersweet it is.

In just a few days, the birthday celebrations will begin. First comes Avery, we'll celebrate her turning five years old. Then comes Landon, who will be three, and Everett, who will never be more then 20 days old. It just hit me that past few days, why I had been experiencing an increase in tears, aside from being pregnant, my subconsious has been aware this time was approaching, even if I didn't let myself become aware until just now. Now it's time.

Time to balance sweet celebration with bittersweet memories of birth and death intertwined. Time to remember the joy of the delivery of my beautiful twin babies and to relive the sorrow of saying goodbye to one forever, just 20 short days later. Time to celebrate the lives of two of my children, while mourning the loss of the third. Time to put on a happy face for the party and the public, and cry until my tears dry up in private.

From November 17th to December 11th I walk an emotional tight rope. Reliving the most surreal and unbelievable weeks of my life. Birthing babies, sweet tiny babies with pink skin and dark brown hair and beautiful and unending potential. Then sick baby, small, weak, frail baby. Great big surgery on tiny little sick baby. Blood and tubes and bandanges and nurses and doctors, and terror. Fear unending. Driving. Crying. Pumping. Snuggling healthy babies ,barely touching sick baby, can't pick him up, can't hold him, can't change his diaper, can't help him. Tears. More surgery. More tubes, more blood, more fear. Prayers. Mad, frantic prayers. Denial. Brain bleed. Despair. Meeting death face to face. Goodbye baby.

Time to fake my way through this time of year again. Somehow I always manage to do it. I'm not exactly sure how. My sweet beautiful brown eyed children, boistrous, lively, spirited and smart, they most surely help me through. Just as certain as I have something to mourn, I have something to celebrate. They are the life savers that keep me afloat when my grief threatens to drag me beneath the surface.

Happy Birthday to all my babies.


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