Friday, March 12, 2010

Last night I had a dream....

I had one of those dreams.

One of those dreams that feels so real, it violates all the defenses you set up to protect yourself from the hurt, and you feel, truly feel, the depths of your grief.

Those of you who have lost a child will know exactly what I mean, but those who haven't can imagine.

I dreamed that Everett and Landon had just been born, but in this scenario, we knew Everett was going to be sick, and that he would die. We were staying in some little apartment within the hospital, and we kept going to the nursery to see the boys, and we kept waiting for Everett to get sick, but he never did. The anticipation was painful, we knew it was coming (somehow), but he kept on doing well, in some cases better then Landon who was perfectly healthy. The longer Everett continued to do well, the more we allowed ourselves to hope that we were wrong, and that he would live. It even occurred to us that we had prematurely changed the boys nursery from a twin nursery to just a room for Landon, and that we may have to change it back because it looked like Everett would be coming home. We imagined him in our lives for years to come, we imagined him at 4 or 5 years of age. The dream was wonderful and horrible all at once. Maybe because no part of me, at the time, realized like we sometimes do, that it was a dream.

Our hearts filled with hope.

And though it was just my subconscious, it felt so intensely real, that I felt real hope, hope which transcended my dream and came into my day with me. Then died. Reality hit me like a tonne of bricks.

Just a dream.

No miracle healing.

The only encounters I will ever have with Everett now in this life, are in dreams like these.

And even though they hurt when I wake, I wish I could have them more often. What a blessing it would be to feel him close to me, to really feel it and not doubt its reality.

It never crossed my mind to do so, but maybe now I'll pray that God will bless me with dreams of Everett, the closest thing I may get to my miracle.



  1. Very rarely do I dream about my MJ. But when I do, I have the same feelings that you do. I know exactly what you are talking about, and I long and ache for those dreams. It's the closest thing to having our boys in real life.

  2. I used to dream that I'd walk into the nursery and both boys would be in there together, and I'd know instinctively that this wasn't right, and I'd run for, or send Elvis for the camera, so I could document it, so I'd have a picture of Everett and Landon together, but by the time the camera was ready, he'd be gone, or there would be just a doll there in his place :(