Monday, October 12, 2009

Never wanted this......

I've always thought of myself as satisfied. I never wanted what I didn't have, and always wanted what I did have. I love life's little pleasures, back to school, the first snowfall of the year, Christmas specials, all the holidays, little birthday parties, family dinners... It doesn't take much to please me and I've always just felt content with what life has handed me.

Then my son died

My husband left me

And I lost a very wanted pregnancy

And suddenly I'm thinking, I never wanted this! And I am not satisfied. I don't like where I am and I very much want what I don't have. I'm struggling to find a sense of satisfaction and contentment again, because feeling this way is unpleasant. But how do I accept what life has given me when it isn't what I wanted? When it isn't simple, or pleasurable?

I was happily married and liked it that way. I had a husband I enjoyed and loved deeply and a marriage that felt comfortable and warm and safe. Now I don't, and I am not happy about that. So how do I accept it for what it is and move on? How do I imagine my future without the man I always envisioned spending my whole life with? How do I imagine some other man in his place? I don't even know where to begin? It feels alien and abhorrent to imagine myself with any other man then the only one I've ever known.

How does one make peace with having a child die? How do you begin to appreciate that it was just part of your life's plan and be satisfied with the way it all had to play out? How do you just accept that God understands and be content with your own limited understanding of life's tragedies? Don't ask me! I fake it, or I talk myself into believing I get it and my heart is healing, but in all honesty. I don't get it, I want my son back and I am not satisfied with how it all played out!

I never wanted to birth three kids and have only two to raise

I never wanted to find out I was pregnant only to find out a week later I wasn't pregnant anymore

I never wanted to be separated, or divorced, or looking for new love

I never wanted to start from scratch

But here I am.

I can't describe myself as contented anymore, or satisfied with all life gave me. I still enjoy the little things, like the first snow fall, which happened yesterday and made my heart feel 8 years old again. I still love back to school and Christmas shopping, but my enjoyment is clouded by worry and stress, loneliness and regret and its hard to just say "Ahh, life, it it was it is and I love it". Rather lately I find myself thinking "Damn! This is life? Is hard and its sad and I don't know what to make of it!"

I hate thinking like that! I have spent a lot of years in a lot of different relationships pointing out the joys of life, the grand scheme, the greater plan, ect.... And now I can't see it for myself anymore. I feel like life is big horse and I got bucked, and I'm sitting on the ground complaining of my sore backside from the fall and terrified to get back on for fear of greater injuries ahead. How many times can I get bucked from my horse before I'm not actually fit to get back on and ride some more? But, if I don't get back on, then the remainder of my life will be spent tending to old injuries and lamenting over past falls, watching others pass me by and wondering where they're going, and what excitement lies ahead for them. Worse yet, what if I'm that person sitting on the sidelines yelling to the other riders "You better just get off now, you'll only fall off and get hurt later if you don't", what if I ruin the ride for other more fearless and bold riders?

Its hard, and its scary, but truth be told, I need to get back in the saddle and try to enjoy all life has to offer again. I need to find my way again, I need to feel happy with what life gave me and find satisfaction in my world again. I need to take pleasure in imaginig a future that looks nothing like I thought it would. Its going to be scary, and I might fall off again, but its no life at all to sit on the sidelines.


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