In my place.....

When Elvis and I were first dating, this song was on the radio all the time. It played in the background of many of my strongest and happiest memories of our beginning, and it has always brought me back to those times.

When hearing the lyrics again today, it seems they bear incredible relevance to our current situation, and that this song may once again become a soundtrack to some pivotal events in our marriage.

In My Place, by Coldplay

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Oh for it?

I was scared, I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I wait for it

If you go, if you go
Leave me down here on my own
Then I'll I wait for you

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Oh for it?

Singing ooh ooh
Please, please, please
Come back and sing to me
To me, me

Come on and sing it out, now, now
Come on and sing it out to me, me
Come back and sing

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah

Katie

Trust

Its easy to trust when things are going your way. Its easy to think that you'll always have it good, when you've got it good and always have, there's no reason to believe you'll ever know anything else. When your life is good, and safe and easy, trust that you'll be okay seems to come naturally, you don't know any better. When you've never had your world shaken up, or shattered, when you've never been so low you can't possibly get any lower, you don't realize such things are even possible.

But what if you're at the bottom looking up? What if your life is filled with strife and hardship? What if loss and grief appear to be the theme of your storyline lately? How do you trust then? And in what do you place your trust in?

I've got trust issues. I've been shaken and shattered and have experienced more loss in the past two years then I expected to experience in a life time, I mean untimely loss, unexpected loss, loss that hits you like a speeding train, life altering loss. It seems that just as soon as I acclimate to one loss, and get comfortable in my new life, I get slammed with another one, and I have to start the process all over. So, I've got trust issues.

But I am learning to overcome them.

I'm learning that properly placed trust isn't a gamble, but a sure bet. It pays off. Trust placed in God is a sure bet. Your life won't be different, or easier, but trusting that God has a plan and that he's working in your hardships, can fill your heart with such peace and resolve that you can march through your struggles with confidence, knowing that He is marching with you, and that you're not lost but right on track and on your way to something He planned for your good.

I'm struggling lately. Its as obvious to the rest of the world as it is to me, that my life is hard right now. A lot of people ask me why I don't give up, why don't I just wash my hands of it all and find a new path, an easier path? Some people think I'm the strongest person they know, and some think I'm the craziest. Some think I'm weak, some think I'm pathetic. Some wish they had the strength to do what I am doing, and some go to bed each night thankful they aren't like me. But I'm doing what I am doing, because at the heart of me, I know it's right. I know its what God wants, and its what I want, and I know in the end, it will be worth it. The pain and the struggle will pay off, and lead to something better. Walking away would simply lead me away, trusting in the path I am on and God who put me there will take me where I am supposed to be.

We live in an instant gratification world. A "me" world. We expect to be happy all the time, and if something doesn't make us happy, we trade up, or walk away. We think we deserve so much, we're entitled to have what we want and to be treated a certain way, and think its appropriate to go seeking something new and exciting when what we have loses its sheen and sparkle. But that isn't biblical, and I know it seems unusual to those who know me best, to hear that I want to do thinks biblical. I want to handle my life and the bumps on my road the way God wants, ways that will make Him proud of me. So I'm going to love without expecting anything in return, and give grace and mercy when they aren't "deserved" by our standards. I'm going to put the happiness of others above my own and I'm going to stick it out when many think I should cut my losses and get out. I'm going to exercise patience and trust. And I'm going to simply stay the course, and keep hope in my heart, and have the courage (by God's grace) to ride this out, to the end, until this path leads me into another.

And I think I can already see a light at the end of this long dark tunnel I've been traveling through. Light is seeping through the cracks and it already seems less hopeless.

Katie

Why I do what I do...

Last night, before going to bed, I reached into my bedside table and pulled out a book I've been turning to a lot lately, for advice on how to cope with my current marital situation, and how to love my husband through this tough time. I turned to where I last stopped, and started reading again. This chapter is about cherishing your spouse. It discussed two scenarios, the first being a man who has an older car that is having some mechanical difficulties, after a consult from his mechanic, they decide that the car requires far too much work and money to be saved, so he decides instead to buy a new one. The second scenario describes a man who accidentally crushes his hand at work, he races to the hospital and learns that he has multiple broken bones. He then decides, with some frustration, to pay for every treatment required to restore his hand, he pays whatever the cost and over the next few month he painstakingly returns function to his badly injured hand.

The chapter then goes on to explain, that all too often, a struggling, or failing marriage is often treated like the first scenario, and how often times, when marriage gets rough, we're often encouraged to trade in for a "new model." This is so sad, but not untrue. Marriage isn't supposed to be like that though, it should be treated just like the second scenario. The book goes on to discuss how when we marry our spouse becomes a part of us, like our hand, or a leg, we mesh, physically, emotionally and spiritually. We share a home and a bed, and a name, we truly become "one flesh". So, how then can we just separate when times get tough? We wouldn't just cut off our hand because its broken, so why then do we just walk away from our marriage when it is broken?

The chapter goes on to explain how we are to cherish our spouse as they were a part of us, to love them as we love ourselves, and in turn we will feel loved and cherished as well. And this resonated with me, deeply. This is why I do what I do. My marriage is undeniably broken, and now I need to do my very best, pouring my every resource into nursing it back to health, because its my marriage, and Elvis is my husband, and he is truly as valuable to me as my own hand, I can't do without him.

So, I prayed last night once again, for the strength and the courage and the wisdom to love Elvis right today, and to cherish him right today, and then I prayed that Elvis would feel these things and would be inspired, in some small way, to do the same.

It's been 97 days since I got the news that my marriage was on life support, barely alive, and I'm still persevering, and still hopeful, and still trying to nurse it back to health, so surely God has been in it, hearing my prayers and fortifying me with the strength and the will to keep waiting and keep hoping and keep loving.

Katie

No words of my own....

could say what I want to say tonight, better then Joe Purdy's beautiful lyrics!

I'm not what you need

I just want something beautiful
I wanna look in your eyes
I wanna listen to you sing my favorite song and cry
I wanna reach into your oceans
I wanna calm your sea and your storms
I wanna let you take a hold of this sinking ship and lead me home

But I am not what you need
But only so much stronger
But you are such a pleasant fiction to me
So I guess that I'll dream of you a little longer

I wanna pack up and move with you
And never look behind
I wanna take your hand as we chase down the skyline
I wanna tell you my stories
And wake you up in the middle of the night
I want you to tell me I'm wrong
And I just want you to smile at me when I'm right
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

But I am not what you need
But only so much stronger
But you are such a pleasant fiction to me
So I guess that I'll dream of you a little longer
A little longer

Don't wanna take the light from your eyes
It would be nice if I could hold you tight
While we lay in the sand
You could love what's left of this lonely excuse of a (wo)man

But I am not what you need
But only so much stronger
But you are such a pleasant fiction to me
So I guess I'll dream of you a little longer

And I am not what you need
And only so much more
But you are such a pleasant fiction to me
I guess I'll dream that you're here to keep me warm
Keep me warm

I'm totally humbled these days, and that's a good thing. I've not been perfect in any capacity, in any area of my life, I'm just not. Anyone who's going to really love anyone, is going to have to make the choice to love imperfection, because we're all so imperfect and flawed. I'm not what anyone needs, not entirely, I can't be all anyone really needs, because no human is meant to satisfy 100% of someone elses needs, we all have a need that only faith and hope and trust in God can satisfy. People cannot make you whole, or make you happy, not entirely. I am NOT what my husband needs, but I want to be what he wants. I want to be a part of what makes him happy and satisfied and whole, but I can't be it all, and if I'm expected to be everything, then I will continue to disappoint him.

Hopefully, time, as well as intervention from God, will help make a way for me back into my husbands heart, hopefully he'll see that though I am not what he needs, I'd be a great contributor to his life and his happiness, and we could find what we both need, together.

I can't decide tonight if I'm filled with hope or fear, I'm filled with some sort of strong and powerful emotion, and I'm praying that the path I'm on is revealed to me soon, so I can stop feeling so lost.

Katie

What else can I do?

A million times a day I think I must be crazy. Absolutely insane. No woman in her right mind would do what I am doing, actively pursuing a man who says he wants he wants out. What sane person opens herself up repeatedly to rejection, an experience that humans collectively try to avoid at all costs? I'm either crazy, or stupid, or both, right? Most people think that way. When they imagine themselves in my shoes, they think "there's no way I'd be so nice", or "I'd move on and find someone new". People urge me to gather up some self respect, some self worth, and look for new love, "better" love. But I don't. I can't.

I can't walk away from us. From him.

He's everywhere, we're everywhere.

I fell in love with him in an instant. Feelings bigger and stronger then I had ever known before. I never wanted to be anywhere but by his side. Apathy and tragedy have put some distance between us, but he's always been my center, and I have always felt that pull toward him. I may have been less focused on being actively by his side, but I never wanted to be by another. And now he's trying to walk away from me, and I can't just sit back and watch him go. I can't.

I've had a long standing history of pursuing Elvis, its second nature. In the beginning I lead and he happily followed me into our relationship, and then he took the lead. And now I think he's lost, and he's going another direction, and I feel like I need to take the lead again, and pray like crazy that he wants to follow me once more. Unlike our beginning, I'm not confidant that he'll follow my lead, I don't know that he wants to be back on the same path as me. I'm shaking in my boots over here, stepping out on to this risky road, full of lots of opportunity for rejection and disappointment. This could go so terribly bad for me. I could end up more hurt and damaged then I already am. I could come out at the end still alone, and bedraggled from the journey. I could lose my husband, and my hope, but by the grace of God I'll keep my faith and know that I did all that I could.

What else can I do?

I promised forever.

I meant it.

Love is a choice. The initial flames of passion die down, the intensity lessens, the excitement wears off and new becomes old. But love is a choice. And where some choose to let it go and chase something new and exciting once more, I am choosing to continue to love. To cherish. To honor.

In sickness and in health.

For better or for worse.

This is most certainly for the worse.

I don't know how this story ends. All I can do is take it day by day. Each morning I wake up and think about how I'm going to love Elvis today. How will I show him love? How will I make sure I don't crowd him? How will I make myself vulnerable without making myself a door mat? How will I keep my self respect while loving a man who walked away from me? How will I honor God's plan for marriage and my own when my husband doesn't share my home anymore?

What else can I do.

Many people wonder, why not just cut your losses and save yourself the pain?

But the only thing that hurts more then loving Elvis with nothing in return, is imagining not loving him at all.

Onward I go.

Katie

Need some comfort....

For this tortured heart of mine tonight.

I'm feeling absolutely tortured tonight, by loss, and loneliness, and hurt and confusion and despair and guilt and shame..............the list goes on.

Every nerve ending is irritated and my thoughts and random and rapid.

I'm screaming in my head.

I need some comfort for my weary soul tonight, something to say "hush now" and set it to rest a while. These struggles will still be here tomorrow, no sense in going completely crazy today.

How much can one mind handle?

How much can one heart take?

I keep waiting for this life to break me into tiny little shards, but for some reason I stay whole. Then I wonder, if I would just break, if I would just shatter and get it over with already, I wouldn't have to wonder anymore when the breaking point would come, and I wouldn't have to endure another hit, unless life intends to not only break me but grind me in to dust as well.

I feel like I'm watching my life like some dramatic prime time TV show, and I'm that character that everyone loves to think "I'm so glad my life's not like hers!" I'm the scene with the melancholy, sorrowful musical overlay, the tragic heroine who's life is a mess but who keeps getting up for the next knock down. I can practically hear my soundtrack in my head as I walk through my day. I keep waiting for my big break, for the surprise happy ending to today's episode. The knock on the door. The love interest standing there with flowers or some romantic gesture, the long over due embrace and the implied happy future, of course to be continued in the next episode. I keep waiting. That's why I am tortured!

I need to just go to bed.

I need to shut of my brain and forbid it to dream tonight.

No nightmares tonight please brain.

My heart can't take it.

I can't stand to see my worst fears played out in my brain like it were the big screen.

Not tonight.

Tonight I need some rest. For my ragged heart and wounded soul.

We need a soft spot to land.

Some warmth, some security.

A little reprieve before life finds me again.

Katie

Something Wicked This Way Comes...

And by wicked, I mean awesome. Divine even. Heavenly.

I can feel it coming. There's a change in the air. A stillness. A calm. I can feel a spark of something new and exciting. A charge in the atmosphere, God at work. To those who are unsure about their feelings regarding God, it may sound strange, but I can literally feel his work, I can feel his presence in my life right now, and he brought hope with him.

I've been praying a lot lately. For guidance, for direction, and for comfort. It pleases God for us to admit that we need Him, and oh how I need Him. I invited him into my problems, and asked him to take care of them, in His way, in His time, I surrendered my sadness, confusion and grief and trust him to take care of me.

This feeling of serenity, of peace and calm, like the stillness before a storm, feels like His RSVP, he's coming. Change is in the air, I can see the clouds stirring, and something wicked this way comes....

Change often comes in a storm, sometimes violent and frightening, sometimes chaotic and messy, blowing through in a flurry and when its done, nothing is quite the same. God's change is the same. Its not a magic wand, no *poof* and everything is better, his change can be scary, or difficult, or painful, but in the end we're better for it. So I am getting ready for a storm, for I can see it coming, and I am excited for it. I can't wait to see what I can do with what God has planned for me. What will he do with my determination? What will he do with my newly fortified faith? He's given me incredible capability to love and to forgive and persevere, what will he do with them? Its all been set in motion, and there isn't any going back now, so its time to sit back and watch the storm from the safety of my faith in God's love for me.

The air is electric, and I feel energized and alive, full of hope and ready to weather this storm, be it a thunderstorm, tornado, hurricane or tsunami, I'll be watching for the rainbow at the end, God's reward for trusting in Him.

Katie